The topic of mental health has received a great deal of attention in the last few years. With all that women juggle on any given day, it’s not surprising that we often feel overwhelmed and stressed out. When ignored, these feelings can lead to a variety of issues. In general, we know that women tend to experience mental health concerns at 2x the rate of men. There are a number of factors that contribute to this:

1). The obvious one is the stress of managing multiple roles: wife, partner, mother, employee, leader, volunteer, friend, the list goes on and on.

2). More serious factors include gender role expectations (we are taught to care for others at the expense of our own needs; pressure to be “nice” & nurturing); damaging societal messages about physical attraction and appearance; gender discrimination, sexism in the workplace, etc.

3). Women are disproportionately affected by various forms of trauma (domestic violence, sexual assault, etc.) across the lifespan which can have lasting effects on women’s emotional and mental health.

4). We also cannot underestimate the chronic nature of everyday stress: coming out of a pandemic; social/political unrest; racial trauma; climate change; constant bombardment of social media, etc.

When we hear the term “mental health”, we often associate it with more serious conditions such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders and even suicide. Although women can certainly deal with these issues, there are also a variety of less obvious signs that our mental health may be suffering. These signs tend to fall into 5 categories:

1). Physical: muscle tension, headaches, chronic stomach issues, fatigue, eye twitching, poor sleep

2). Behavioral: decreased or increased appetite, biting fingernails, feeling fidgety, more desire to drink, grinding teeth, feeling teary, less social

3). Emotional: irritability, more emotionally reactive, anger outbursts, feeling unsettled and anxious, sad, hopeless, negative outlook

4). Cognitive: scattered thoughts, difficulty concentrating, more forgetful, negative thoughts about self, worrying, difficulty making decisions, more cynical, loss of meaning

5). Relational: isolation, resentment, loneliness, nagging, lack of intimacy, lashing out, feeling distrustful

So here’s an important tip: if you are experiencing these symptoms, PAY ATTENTION!

It’s one thing if you are just having a week that is super busy and you are understandably more stressed-this happens to all of us. However, if these symptoms are prolonged and you can’t shake them, then it’s important to take action.

One of the things that women often hear is “You just need to find balance!” However, this message implies that if we are having a hard time finding said balance, then we have somehow failed. And that if we were the superwoman we are all taught to believe we should be, then we could find this magical balance. Here’s the truth: BALANCE IS A FALLACY! And here’s why:

1. Balance is not realistic in an individualistic society where competition is inherent.

2. The concept ignores the context of marginalized groups or anyone who may be struggling because balance is promoted as a luxury. For example, if you are a woman just trying to launch your business or you are a single parent just trying to make ends meet, then finding balance may not fit with the context of your life at that particular time.

3. And, finally, in the simplest of terms: balance is unrealistic given there are simply too many competing demands!

Rather than balance, it’s more about where we direct our energy. The reality is we all have a limited amount of energy so we have to prioritize where we direct it. Where we put our energy should align with our values. If you value one on one time with your child, then that gets scheduled into the week. If you value a date night with your sweetie, then that gets scheduled. If you value time alone to recharge, then that gets scheduled. Remember that the process is not static. Some weeks more energy may be directed towards work whereas other weeks it may be redirected to family. For example, when you have a pressing deadline, then maybe work gets 90% of your energy for a couple of days. Perhaps you miss the school play because there was is no flexibility with the deadline but then you commit to making it to your kiddo’s soccer game and a friend's birthday party on the weekend. The bottom line is that where you put your energy is not a one time fix but a cycle that requires continual engagement and adjustment. Recognize that behaviors/values/priorities change as our life circumstance evolve. What may have worked when you were younger and single may not work when you are older with more work responsibilities and a couple of demanding toddlers.

So how does self-care fit into all of this? I believe that one of the most useful things we can do on our journey to becoming successful and fulfilled is to protect our mental health by engaging in intentional self-care. Although this seems so obvious, it is actually quite difficult for women to incorporate. We are often conditioned to believe that if we take time for yourselves, we are being selfish. Or maybe we think that we literally have so much to do that we cannot take even an hour a week to focus on ourselves and that doing so will somehow slow us down. However, nothing could be further from the truth. The irony is that when we buy into the myth that we don’t deserve or have time to take care of ourselves, we end up shooting ourselves in the foot by becoming less productive, less efficient and less fulfilled because we are spread too thin.

It can be helpful to move away from the notion that “I need to practice self-care” because then it becomes another thing on the never ending to do list. Rather, work on adopting a mindset of “I value myself enough to rest and reset” and then make time for the things that help you do this. Self-care is not just manicures and massages. Sure, these can be nice, relaxing treats but self-care is so much more than that. Here are some practical strategies you can use to make self-care a more intentional part of your life:

1). At the most basic level, recognize that your calendar is your best friend and should reflect your values. And as simple as it sounds, if you do not write it down, it is less likely to happen. Become a scheduling junkie. Write down the work stuff, the kid stuff, the friend stuff, the fun stuff. Think of each scheduled activity as an investment of your time, energy and values. Also recognize that nothing is set in stone. You can and should pivot when necessary but no matter what you are doing, try your best to be as PRESENT as possible and in the moment. If you are struggling with being present, take a moment, do a few big cleansing breaths (breathe in through your nose, blow out through your mouth) and refocus.

2). Pay attention to your emotions. Literally check in with yourself a few times a day and ask yourself how you are feeling. Do you feel fulfilled, energized, and positive about your work (or other activity) or do you feel resentful, angry, or burnt out? If the latter is the case, listen to this! It’s a sign that you are not directing your energy to the things that bring you joy.

3). Reprioritize as needed. Ask yourself these questions: What am I willing to sacrifice and for how long? If I’ve been working to prioritize my work (or other activity) over my mental health, why do I feel this is ok? What regrets do I already have and what might I regret if I continue down this path?

4). Acknowledge and accept that you cannot control everything. Life happens. Kids get sick. You wake up with a flat tire. Your boss moves a deadline up. The key here is flexibility and realizing that if something gets dropped today, you can pick it up tomorrow.

5). Accept that some days you will feel like your energy and time is appropriately spread out and on other days you will feel like you have a million demands pulling at you. Don’t let setbacks get the best of you. If feeling down on yourself, find a quiet moment to reflect on a time when you overcame struggle.

6). Monitor how you talk to yourself. Women can be really harsh with themselves, especially when things aren’t going the way we think they “should”. In these moments, does your inner voice beat you up or does it put things in perspective? A good way to challenge negative self-talk is to develop a grounding mantra, i.e., ““I’ve got this”; “I will focus on the things I can control”; “It doesn’t have to be perfect”. Find the mantra that works for you.

7). Practice self-compassion. When things don’t go as planned or you get to a place of feeling totally overwhelmed, be kind to yourself. Imagine how you would talk to a close friend if they were in a similar situation. Extend yourself that same grace.

8). Allow yourself to make mistakes. It will happen because we are all human! Let go of the notion of perfectionism as it’s unrealistic, unhealthy, and a set up for failure. Recognize that sometimes good enough is enough!! What a lot of women don’t realize is how extreme the expectations are that they set for themselves. Your bar may already be so high that if you lower it just a bit, it will still be in the excellent range. On a similar vein, allow others to make mistakes. On any given day, we are all just doing the best we can. This mindset tends to cultivate kindness, compassion, and makes us all less stressed out human beings.

9). Avoid the self-comparison trap. We have all had the experience of seeing another woman who, on the surface, seems to have it all together. She’s got an awesome outfit, her hair looks great, her nails are done, she drops her kids off with a big friendly smile as she heads off to her high paying executive job (or at least that's what we envision!). Even better, before leaving, she stops to volunteer for the school fundraiser. Enough already! It’s really tempting in those moments to start comparing ourselves and wondering why we can’t be that cool, calm, and collected. What’s important to recognize is that we are seeing her for one moment in time and she may actually drive away and start crying in the car. Recognize that we can never know what is going on behind closed doors and things may not be as rosy as they seem. As women, we all bring a variety of struggles and successes to the table so respect for our process and that of others is essential.

10). Speak up and assert your needs. Most women have experienced the phenomenon that the more competent you are, the more others will ask of you. It’s like we get penalized for being good at what we do. If you do not implement good boundaries around this, it will continue to happen. It’s crucial to learn to communicate clear guidelines and stick to them, e.g., “I don’t respond to emails on the weekend because my time is devoted to family”. Also, remember that another person’s lack of planning does not constitute a crisis on your part. Finally, initiate a discussion if your boundaries are crossed to prevent it from becoming a pattern.

11). Take small steps at trying new self-care behaviors. Write down a goal a week you would like to accomplish and then schedule a check in on your calendar to assess how you are doing and make changes as needed.

12). Do not underestimate the power of laughter. Look at funny animal videos, revisit a memory where you could not stop laughing, sign up for a joke of the day, whatever your thing is. This is especially important when you are stressed as laughter increases the brain’s production of endorphins which are the feel good chemicals that reduce pain and relieve stress and, in turn, help you feel more relaxed!

13). Find your tribe of women (which is probably the most crucial form of self-care we can implement)!! Challenge yourself to seek out and connect with not only women who are similar to you but also those who are different, offer new perspectives, and gently challenge you to learn and grow in new ways.