Love Thyself

We’ve all seen those people who walk into a room and seem to ooze self-confidence. They hold their head high, move through the crowd with ease, and look calm, cool, and collected. They appear comfortable in their own skin and self-assured. Others may wonder how they do it. Self-confidence is generally defined as an internal feeling which allows us to have a positive yet realistic view of ourselves. When we are self-confident, we tend to trust our own abilities, have a general sense of control over our lives, and believe, that within reason, we are able to do what we wish, plan and expect. Being confident is not the same as arrogance, bravado, or an air of superiority. Rather, people who feel solid in their own skin don’t feel the need to upstage others. They feel good about themselves and their abilities but also realize they are not perfect so they allow themselves to make mistakes and learn from them.

Of course, self-confidence doesn’t necessarily carry across all aspects of our lives. Maybe we feel confident in our career yet a bit more tentative when it comes to social or romantic relationships. Our confidence may be more solidified in areas in which we have a great deal of experience but we understandably question ourselves in new situations. At the end of the day, however, confident people tend to feel emotionally secure about themselves and are able to bounce back when things don’t go as planned.

When individuals lack self-confidence, they often depend excessively on the approval of others to feel good about themselves. They tend fear failure and will therefore avoid taking risks. They generally do not feel good about their abilities and do not expect to be successful. People lacking in self-confidence may often put themselves down or dismiss compliments paid to them. Unfortunately, these feelings of inferiority often undermine one’s abilities and prevent them from making progress and accomplishing their goals. Pervasive feels of inadequacy can also be physically draining when one is constantly battling self-doubt, feeling anxious, and ruminating about their shortcomings.

Many factors affect the development of self-confidence. Parental attitudes are crucial to children’s ability to see themselves in a positive light. When parents provide nurturance, acceptance, and allow for mistakes, children benefit from a solid foundation for self-esteem. If one or both parents are overly critical, demanding, or discourage independence, children may develop the belief that they are inadequate, incapable, or unworthy. On the other hand, when parents encourage self-reliance, embrace individuality, and love unconditionally, children tend to develop a solid sense of who they are and what they are capable of.

So here’s the good news. Self-confidence can be strengthened with a little practice. The first step towards changing how you feel about yourself is to pay attention when you are being self-critical. For many of us, our inner critic has become so automatic that we don’t even realize when it is speaking to us. Slow down and take some time throughout the day to notice how you talk to yourself. Try to be as accurate as possible in noting the words you are saying to yourself. What is the tone of your voice? Is it harsh, cold, or derogatory? Are there key phrases you tend to say over and over? Does the voice or the things you say to yourself remind you of someone from the past?

Once you have identified these thoughts, make an intentional effort to challenge your inner critic by replacing these thoughts with more self-accepting and supportive statements. For example, maybe you catch yourself saying something like this after meeting new people at a party, “Ugh! Why did I say that? That sounded so stupid! I’ll never be invited back”. Ouch! This type of statement will only serve to increase your anxiety and make you feel more uncomfortable. Instead, try something like this, “Ok, so I was a little bit nervous but the conversation ended on a positive note. Things will feel smoother next time”.

You can also ask yourself if there is any evidence that you actually sounded stupid. Did people stop talking to you? Did someone walk away as you were talking? Chances are they did not and that you may be reading more into the situation simply because you feel anxious about being in a new setting. On the flip side, remind yourself of confirming evidence that suggests you actually handled the situation well, i.e., people engaged with you and talked back, they introduced you to someone new, your host followed up and thanked you for coming. Remember, it’s also highly likely that you were not the only one feeling a bit nervous so practice giving yourself some grace. It can be helpful to think about what feedback you would give a close friend if they shared this example with you. How would you reassure them? What words of encouragement would you give them and then practice these on yourself.

Another strategy for increasing self-confidence is to challenge irrational thoughts about yourself. Some common faulty beliefs to examine include:

a. I must be perfect in order to have value.

b. I must have approval from others to have worth.

c. If I mess up, I can’t recover.

d. I “should” know what I’m doing and not make mistakes.

If you find yourself engaging in this kind of “stinking thinking”, realize that you are setting yourself up to feel badly. The reality is that none of us are perfect, we all make mistakes, and you have your own unique strengths (even if it doesn’t always feel that way). And speaking of strengths, spend some time revisiting yours! In fact, give yourself credit for everything you try. Keep track of the things that are going well for you. By focusing on what you are capable of, you reinforce your efforts rather than basing your worth on the end product. Along these same lines, lean in and take some risks. Yes, this may sound a bit scary. But at the same time, risk can lead to success and success builds our confidence because it shows us what we are capable of. Remember that the risk doesn’t have to be big, even taking small steps towards trying something new can be a powerful reminder that you can do more than you realize. More importantly, try and approach new experiences as opportunities to learn and grow rather than occasions to win or lose.

Another essential component for building self-confidence is to practice self-respect by taking care of yourself. Neglecting ourselves and our needs is a subtle message that we are not valuable. When we practice intentional self-care by doing the basics like exercising, eating healthy food, and getting good quality sleep, we reinforce that we matter and deserve to be taken care of. It may sound simple but, without these things, we feel more vulnerable and less capable of engaging in the other things that build confidence. We can also practice self-respect by honoring our boundaries and learning to say “NO”. Remember that your needs matter just as much as anyone else’s. Set limits on what you will tolerate in relationships and assert yourself appropriately when your boundaries are violated.

When we aren’t feeling good about ourselves, we often ignore compliments. New rule: ALWAYS accept compliments. Respond with a simple “Thank you” without exceptions, explanations, or denials. Even if it feels uncomfortable, set your mindset to “I will receive this” when someone has gone out of their way to express their appreciation for something about you. And, if all else fails, there is nothing wrong with sometimes having to fake it until you make it! You see, if we want to feel more confident, then we have to act more confident. If you have a moment of feeling shaky or unsure of yourself, take a big deep breath, close your eyes, and draw upon a memory of a time when you felt strong and self-assured. Try to envision how you looked, what you did, where you where, and what your body and spirit felt like in that moment. By doing so, you can more easily draw upon that feeling of strength in the present. Now go out there and do your thing. YOU’VE GOT THIS!!